The best way to begin is with the people who aren’t directly connected.

Anat is the first person I really loved, and I don’t mean was in loved in her but simply LOVED her. With each and every part of me. At the very first days after we met, I hardly slept, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I even was HAPPY, I this isn’t something usual for me. Now I see it very clear SHE was the one who polled me out of my old and safe routine. It may seem to be something good or special, but as most of the good_in_potencial stuff in my short life – it grow to the very bad option. SHE make me alive, there’s no other way to classify this, but provoking me to start feeling. Again, it may seem to be gr8 thing but it wasn’t, before her I was like a tree – I wasn’t happy coz I didn’t know what is happiness, I was empty but wasn’t aware to the fact until she filled me up, and then. I didn’t know what to the with emptiness when she was gone, but I’ll get there…

We hadn’t to anything sexual, it wasn’t necessary, at least for me. At least at the begging. I was 17 years old, not only a virgin, but never had a girlfriend or any type of physical relationships (and those that I had, I was self-denying).   So the days past and I felt that I’m falling in love in her. Somehow I felt it’s shared and every time we met I had that feeling that I have to kiss her, more and more her lips was open and waiting, but I couldn’t do that, I was to afraid to destroy everything it was so bad situation. I felt so helpless, guilty, and hated myself after every meeting that it wasn’t a very long time until I pushed her to the wall (metaphorical) and said her that I love her.  She doesn’t (or didn’t) believe in love, and the timing was fucked up (her X wanted them to be back together and she was on her way to holocaust trip). So she told me that she’d think about that during her journey in Poland…

Now it’s time to go asleep, by the way, the Hebrew version about Anat is 15 pages long…{but this’ll be much shorter because she only a small part in the complication that I’m trying to get trout at this days)

Me: “Since I remember myself, I was twice in graveyards, once in a funeral (seven years ago) and the second time in the Inbal Perlemutar’s grave last year” {Inbal was rock-queen}
She: “Me have to go, you know, grandmother, grandfather, uncles”
Me: “In this case I’m more lucky, I don’t have father so automatically half of the duty is out, and the rest of the dead parts of my family are buried few hours flight from here…”

It is so fucking gr8, it the first few messages translated from first conversation with someone I met yesterday in a party. When I was younger, my past had never bothered me, maybe it was some kind of repression, because when I think about that, I’d never really talked about my parents or my first years, actually I don’t remember too much of them.

Anyway I wanted to say few words about her, but when I took my place next to the Pc I suddenly started talking with her, so I’ll do it some other time

The opening of this blog is a straight result of disappointing from the whole thing called my surround, or like I’ll probably say often “my present”. It is not my first blog, I’m blogging something like two years, in several places, like “Tapuz” (one of the biggest Israeli web-portals) or “IsraBlog’ (I’ll let you guess what is the purpose of the site) as well as blogging in not so well know places, yet all the time in Hebrew, because,  as you soon find out my English is not very well. But, it’s a new begging, brand new begging, and slow and bad writing is a price that should be paid.

Here won’t be many funny links, actually I don’t believe here will much fun at all, because, I’m not the funny kind of guy and the circumstances of the opening of this blog aren’t funniest, as well as my present which pushes me to do things I don’t want to do, like mobilization to the IDF (Israeli “Defend” Force) in two weeks from today. And in much more personal aspect to want and try things that mane “teenagers” usually do, I don’t mean drugs but hurting myself and trying to commit suicide. But lets not get to pathetic at the begging. J

Because it’s my first post I’m suppose to give some more details about myself so here you go: My name is Mier, as I’d already said, I’m from Israel, but I was born in Bulgaria and moved from that hole to this hole seven years ago. I am not the most unique or special creature in the world, yet “mainstream” is far away from my lifestyle.

This is enough for today, otherwise I’ll stay infoless for the next posts.

“sionara, over and out”

Mier Tarum